


How Bad Can I Fuck The Police

by SexualHobo



Category: Borderlands, The Lorax (2012)
Genre: Anal Fisting, Crime AU, Daddy Kink, M/M, Male/Male, Please Kill Me, borderlands - Freeform, i hate myself so much, space, the Lorax - Freeform, theres an explosion and donald trump is there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:31:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6174922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SexualHobo/pseuds/SexualHobo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i hate myself and want to die</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Bad Can I Fuck The Police

The night was dark, and cold. Blackness was the predominant color. Black asphalt. Black buildings against a black sky. Black cars. Black water. This city was one of shadow. Anyone could tell. This was not somewhere to bring your kids, or start a family, or make an honest living. Its alleyways and corners were not unlike a great forest out of some fantasy novel, with thieves and mafia in place of goblins and elves.

And occasionally, as with all things in life, there are dragons. 

Handsome Jack was just such a dragon. He had set up shop in the city over ten years ago and clawed his way to the top. Now he was in charge of his own crime ring. They specialized in weapons trafficking, though they had a hand in most other things that went down in the city. Drugs, prostitution, carrying out hits, whatever. The name Hyperion was enough to make even the most seasoned dealer or mafioso flinch, blink, and begin to sweat. 

That is, unless you were the Onceler.

The Onceler had been a thorn in Jack’s side for a very long time. He had risen to the top of the police force almost as quickly as Jack had gone from street gang to organized crime. They had crossed paths before, but one had never finished off the other. The Onceler had graduated top of his class from the police academy, and he had over 300 confirmed arrests. Jack reflected on this as he rode the elevator to his penthouse. When the elevator stopped, he stepped out of it, removing the outer layers of his business suit, revealing his muscular frame. He stepped up to the full body mirror he kept by his bed, and began to flex, admiring the way his pecs bulged, and the six-pack he had worked hard to achieve. “You sexy fucker,” he said, flashing a smile, a wink, and a pair of finger guns at his reflection. Then he stepped out onto the balcony, ready to begin planning.

The Onceler was special forces. It would take a lot to get him to come out. But Jack knew the Onceler like the back of his hand. He gazed out on the skyscrapers. This was his city. He controlled everything that went on in it. He had built himself a kingdom.

He was a goddamn hero, Jack thought to himself. Then he strode back into his penthouse, and went to sleep. There was a big night ahead.  
The following morning, Jack rode the elevator down to the parking garage where he stored his 47 lamborghinis. He chose the yellow one, because this was serious business. There was a particular safehouse he needed to visit. He turned right at the exit to the parking garage, and floored it. Time was of the essence. Buildings and cars flew by, a multicolored blur. Jack felt free.

Thirty minutes later, he pulled into the warehouse. It was an empty place, for the most part, or so it looked. Built on the water, a legion of seagulls called this concrete structure home. Jack adjusted the tie on his business suit, and donned a pair of black-tinted Aviators. The sun glinted on them as he stepped out of the sports car. Across the parking lot, a door opened. A purple-haired woman strode out purposefully. Jack didn’t care. He walked over to the railing overlooking the bay and spread out his arms. “Sea air! Love it. Great stuff. Good for the lungs.” he exclaimed, as Athena walked behind him. “Sure.” she said. “It’s why I live here. What do you want?” Jack breathed in deeply. “Athenaaaa. There’s so many other things you could have said there. ‘Hi, Jack.’ ‘Good to see you again, Jack.’ ‘I missed you, Jack.’ “Please take me now, I want you, Jack.’ But nooo. You had to go for the rude way. Why, and I’m asking this… QUITE seriously, why do you hate me? Every goddamn time we meet, it’s like this, yet I’m your main customer. Do I not even get a frequent flyer discount? Free grenade? Complimentary bag of pretzels? Jesus.”

Athena rolled her eyes. “Hello, Jack. It’s been a while since your last visit. What do you need this time?” 

“Thaaat’s more like it, cupcake. As it happens, I’ve got a bit of a… bit of a party planned out for tonight. Y’know. And it’s not a party without fireworks! So I need C4. C4 is what I need. Lots of it. All of it. As much as you can fit in the trunk of my car. No, more. As much as you can fit in the trunk of my car and also your car. Wait. No. A smaller car, tied to the back of my car, and also your car. That’s how much I need. Can we do that?” 

“I’m not sure. We’ve got a lot, but moving it around will be pretty hard. This is some volatile stuff.” 

“Just… just put it all in a really big truck and meet me at Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers, okay?” 

Athena raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you going there for?” 

“I’ve got plans, Athena! Big plans. Bigger than my dick plans.”

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll be there by 5:00 PM. Don’t be late.”

 

* * *  
At 4:59 PM, Handsome Jack pulled into an alleyway across the street from Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers. It wasn’t dark yet, but it would be soon. The truck showed up just a few moments later. “And what do you want me to do with this?” asked Athena over the rumble of the engine. “Just, uh, just leave it here.” said Jack. “You can take the lambo home. Consider it your payment. I’ll have some poor dickweed drive another one over here before the job’s done. I’ve got 47. Have a nice drive, sweetcheeks.” 

Athena punched Jack in the face, to which he replied “Hot,” and sped away. 

Jack opened up the back of the truck, and counted at least twenty boxes of C4. He popped a boner just looking at it all. Sure, maybe he had ordered a little bit too much, but, hey. Stuff’s malleable, and now he had plenty of it that he could mold into the shape of a dick and detonate in the bedrooms of his enemies. Speaking of the detonator, where was it? Front seat? Yeah, the front seat. Jack slipped it into his pocket, produced a briefcase from the floorboard of his car, and began loading it up with C4.

Yeah, this was gonna be more than one trip.

Jack strode confidently through the entrance to Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers, because if you wear a nice suit and stride confidently enough you can go wherever the fuck you want. He walked into the elevator, which consisted of a glass tube and two circular pieces of metal that served as a roof and a floor, and decided he’d begin with the easiest place. The basement, of course. 

And it was there that Jack discovered something that would make his job much easier. There was, in fact, no basement to Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers.

There was a fucking weapons development facility.

Jack was, honestly, quite impressed at what stood before him. As he descended, the walls of the elevator became transparent, and he gazed out at the sight that stood before him. It was, frankly, like a nuclear silo, but what stood before him was not a missile. It was much, much better than a missile.

What stood before Jack as he descended below the city streets was a massive mech suit designed to look like Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump. Emblazoned upon its chest, right above the power core, was the name “C4P1T4L1SM-B0T-42069.” The power core itself was bright greenish-blue, with several circular spokes of metal rotating it, as though they were meant to keep smoothing it out. It looked like a miniature sun. It looked volatile, and it looked like blowing it up would be really, really illegal.

It looked, in other words, perfect. 

Jack quietly pumped his fist in the air. This was even better than what he had planned. Wonderful. 

As the elevator doors hissed open and Jack stepped out, he was immediately met with the sounds of chatter. He could slip in unnoticed easily, and he wouldn’t even have to hide. This really was excellent. Jack scanned the crowd, and hurried across to the center of the room. No one had noticed yet. No one noticed, either, when he strapped the briefcase containing the C4 to his back and began to climb up the leg of the behemoth. 

That is, until the first gunshot was fired.

Someone had seen him.

Who? Jack had only reached the knee of the thing. He looked behind him frantically, when he saw it. The glint of a scope. Why the fuck was there a sniper in here? Damn it. Jack began to climb even faster, his hands finding cracks in the metal plating easily. Alarms began to blare. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Jack could waste no time now. He was at the crotchplate. He had one shot at this, and it was about to be taken away from him. There was no way he could do this, he thought.

No.

He was a hero.

Heroes don’t die.

Jack grit his teeth, and with one arm let go of the mech to reach for the briefcase. The sunlike thing was in above him now. He stared into it coldly. It was entirely possible that this thing was about to launch him across the room. Jack grabbed the handle of the briefcase, squinted, and tossed it into the glowing sphere as hard as he could. 

It sunk into it like jello, and with a few rotations of the spokes, was all but invisible.

Jack smiled, and let go. Guns went off like fireworks as he dashed back to the elevator. The doors hissed open almost immediately, and bullets ricocheted off of the tube as it ascended slowly back to street level, but none of them made it through. As soon as the doors opened again, Jack ran out of the building, safe.

An hour later, the police had arrived, but Jack wasn’t there.

He stood on the roof of a building a few blocks away, detonator in hand.

 

* * *

Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump sat with his feet up on his desk in the office at the top of Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers. He had been having a good night. His political rally had gone swimmingly. He had even gotten to yell at some Mexicans from his limousine on the way home. Now he was tired, and all he wanted to do was apply more orange paint to his face and have a drink. But there was time for that later. For now, he wanted to rest. 

He turned on the TV across the room to watch the news, see how that bastard Bernie was doing. Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump was sure that the angry Jew could never beat him. The presidency was a done deal, right?

A done deal.

Anyone who said otherwise was fired.

Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump got up from his desk and poured himself a glass of whiskey, setting it down on his desk and beginning to pace. Sure, Sanders promised free college, and equality for everyone, but he didn’t have anything to back it up! was sure of it. Whereas he, on the other hand, knew exactly how to build the wall! By taking money from mexico, and using it to buy, like, a lot of concrete, and-

Clink.

-hiring, of course, mexican workers. Then he could send them over the wall! Simple as that.  
And once he was done with them, he could start with the muslims next! They were a virus in this country, Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump knew! Those bleeding heart liberals with their notions that people are, y’know, people had it all wrong. They were just too dumb to see it! Of course-

Clink.

-they were trying to destroy America! They want to establish a caliphate! They want to kill your families and take your houses and-

Clink.

-and what was that?

looked down. The ice in his drink was bouncing against the glass. But the floor wasn’t shaking, and it wasn’t in his hand, so…?

Then there was a loud BOOM and everything became very white, and very hot, and Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump, along with his skyscraper, was reduced to rubble and ashes.

* * *  
Handsome Jack was laughing his fucking ass off as he drove the second yellow Lambo back to what used to be Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers and the buildings surrounding it. If this wasn’t enough to bring Oncey out, nothing was. And sure enough, he spotted a bright green police car a few blocks away, going at top speed. Excellent. Jack slammed the brakes, calmly stepped out, opened the trunk, and produced a Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle. He released the magazine, set the gun on the roof of his car, and began to methodically load the mag. When he had eight rounds in, he picked up the rifle, slammed the magazine into it, chambered, and viciously cocked the gun. As he looked into the scope, he saw his chance. A green top hat, barely visible over the roof of another police car some 65 meters away. An easy shot for a gun of such caliber, and no one had noticed him yet. The sun glinted red into his eyes. This was too good to be true.  
He placed his finger on the trigger, and began to squeeze. 

Bang.

Time slowed down. The green top hat fell to the ground. Jack breathed a sigh of relief only to realize he couldn’t breathe at all. What the hell? He sat the gun aside and looked down to see a red flower blooming on his chest. No, that couldn’t be right. He groped at his chest. It was wet. Blood. What the hell? What the hell? It was getting harder still to breathe. Jack put a hand out on the trunk of his car to steady himself. Red on yellow. It reminded him of ketchup and mustard. He laughed a little, and then stopped, because that made it hurt worse. Hurt. Yes. Jack was hurting dying no in excruciating pain and he had to faint to get back into the car and drive himself back home and lie down get some help and stop the bleeding and remove this goddamn bullet from his chest and no this isn’t happening right i’m a hero heroes don’t die if i can just make it to the front seat and i am falling now on my face and the asphalt digs into my cheek it cuts into my face like cheese graters like knives and i try to stand but i can’t so i just crawl and i reach up to the handle of my car door and it is far away miles away lightyears away so far away that i can barely touch it and then it snaps back together and it is in my hand and i’m pulling and the door won’t open why won’t the goddamn door open i didn’t lock the door and it is not opening until finally it does and i grab the inside of the seat pulling myself wrenching myself wrestling myself into the front seat and i sit up and the bullet cuts into me still like fire like knives and god help me my lung is punctured and it’s all i can do to sit up and the steering wheel is in my hands now i am driving fast and erratically and now i’m on the wrong side of the road and i’m veering left and right the damn road isn’t straight anymore and suddenly i stop i think the car is crashed but it’s dark it’s all so dark and i am falling again deeper this time and it doesn’t stop i’m dying aren’t i but this isn’t right i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a hero i’m a

 

 

 

heroes don’t die

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Onceler bent down and picked up his top hat. Sure enough, there was a bullet hole, cleanly shot through both sides. He frowned. That was a bit too close for comfort. He looked behind him to see that Richard was ready to take a shot. He was confused. What the fuck, Richard? He looked in the direction of the gun barrel as Richard fired his gun. He saw someone clutch their chest and fall to the ground. He sighed. Another day, another assassination attempt. When would it end?

He walked over to what used to be Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump Towers, now a pile of twisted metal and broken glass. Funny how buildings always returned to the same thing by one means or another, wasn’t it? He climbed onto a particularly large heap of metal and stared down.

Whoa.

This was, like, so illegal.

Below him was a multileveled cylinder with the charred, twisted remains of a giant fuckbot. No idea what Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump had been working on down there, but it couldn’t have been good at all. Sweet Jesus. 

Around the remains of said fuckbot were multiple charred desks and bits of broken glass. A beam had collapsed and destroyed half of the opposite side, leaving a massive dent in the flooring.

To say nothing of the corpses.

The Onceler was beginning to get a bit dizzy from all that looking down. He stepped away and headed back to where the police were stationed. “Uh, this is really not our division,” he said, loudly and authoritatively. “Call in the FBI. There’s some really weird shit down there. Looks like Donald "I am the only person who immediately walked out of my 'Ali G' interview" Trump was working on some sort of mech suit? See what they can salvage, if it’s anything they previously knew about, et cetera. Paramedics will be here in a second. Oh, here they are now,” he said as helicopters flew overhead and began to land not too far away, “so there’s not much else the Green Unit can do for them. Nothing here to kill, except for that… that one guy earlier. Huh. So, yeah. We can all go home now.”

He looked back down the street. The yellow Lamborghini was missing. Odd, but nothing of note.

He was in the process of driving home when he received a call on the police radio. “Uh, yeah,” crackled the voice, “Have you heard about the crime ring Hyperion? Well, we found their leader, Handsome Jack, slumped over the steering wheel of a yellow Lamborghini, crashed into a street light, the works. Thing’s fuckin’ totaled. We don’t know what the whereabouts of the rest of his gang are. Probably they’ll scuttle back into the sewers like the rats they are, but who knows. Anyway, we’ve got him in the hospital now, he’s due to be put into one of the Lunar Cells once we get him back to health. Fucker was shot in the chest. Good riddance if you ask me, but no one asks me. Anyway we need you to interrogate him whenever we wake him up. That’ll take three days. You’ll be in the Lunar with him when it launches, but we’ll have you back down afterwards. No worries.” 

The Onceler sighed, turned off his radio, and pulled into his driveway. It had been a long day.

 

Three days later, he headed to the facility. He’d been doing interrogations on the way out for as long as he could remember. The Lunar Cells were exactly what they sounded like: Jail cells, but in space. Each individual cell was launched into space and guided into a honeycomb-like satellite, nicknamed the Beehive, that orbited the planet. You then ate, slept, lived, died, and most of all worked on that satellite until either they let you go or someone killed you. That was where Jack was headed. 

So, one could understand why the ride up there was never something the Onceler relished. As he parked his green police car in front of the launch facility, I decided to switch the narrarative back to Jack, who had, in fact, been woken up three days ago and made to suffer the prison of a hospital bed before the prison of the Beehive. Jack was furious. So you can imagine why, when the Onceler waltzed in, he spat on the floor.

Jack sat in a chair in the small room that would soon be launched into space, the chair bolted to the floor, his hands cuffed to the chair. The Onceler sat down on the bed. “Morning, sunshine.” he said. “Someone looks like he’s ready for a ride.”

Jack said nothing.

“Look, you’ve got information. I need information. You’ve got nothing left to lose here. I mean, you’re being sent to the fucking Beehive. So how about you just let me know what I need to know. Where’s the rest of your little team?”

Jack looked incredulous. “Oh, yeah, that’s, that’s simple. They’re up your ass. Waaaay up there. I can find ‘em with my foot if you want.”

The Onceler frowned. “I figured you wouldn’t play nice. That’s fine. I have other ways of making you talk.” 

“Oh. Sure. What are you gonna do? Suck my cock?”

“Maybe.” said the Onceler. “Depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“How bad can I be?” he said, stood up, grabbed Jack roughly by the collar, and pulled him in for a long, passionate kiss. Jack was surprised, but gave himself fully and entirely, his tongue flickering into the Onceler’s mouth. This is what you’ve been fucking waiting for, Jordan. 

Jack struggled against his bonds as the Onceler ran his hands up his back, stopping at the nape of his neck, pushing him harder into the kiss, grinding against him slightly, ever so slightly, just enough to get him hard. Jack moaned and the Onceler stepped back. “See? I made you talk.”

“I might need a little more persuasion.” 

“We can do that.” said the Onceler, getting down on his knees. He stared up into Handsome Jack’s eyes as he unzipped and unbuttoned his pants with his teeth. He pulled them down, knowing full well there was fuck all Jack could do about it, knowing even better that even if he could have, there was nothing he would’ve done, and then he took him into his mouth, slobberin’ on that cock like he was Sonic the Hedgehog and it was a delicious chili dog. He ran his tongue around its length and girth, and once again Jack struggled against his bonds, moaning as they squeezed against his forearms, and the Onceler was going deeper now, taking all of him into his throat, and Jack could no longer take it and he came for the first time that day into the Onceler’s mouth.

The Onceler slipped Jack out of his mouth, and swallowed hard. “Call me Daddy,” he whispered. Jack loved that. “You’ve been a bad boy, you know…” continued the Onceler. “You shot my hat. You tried to kill me. I think you’re in need of a bit of punishment, hm?” 

“Yes, Daddy.” Jack gasped.

The Onceler pressed a button and Jack’s bonds were released. There were red marks on his arms where they used to be. He quickly undid Jack’s shirt, revealing the muscular form beneath. Then he unbuckled his own trousers, revealing a long, erect, massive cock. “Make Daddy happy,” he said, and Jack stood there for a moment. “Bend the fuck over.” growled the Onceler, and Jack did so. He gasped with pleasure as the Onceler entered him, and began to thrust. The cell launched into space as the Onceler pressed him up against the window, and as he pushed back into him he saw the earth fall away and my butts pass by, and he was going deeper now, hitting his prostate and Jack loved this as he screamed “More, Daddy, more” and gazed out into nebulae as the cell began to drift. The Onceler smacked his ass, and he gasped, again, harder this time, and Jack cried out in ecstasy, unaware the whole time that a few space miles away, a strapping young lad by the name of Jordan was watching them in their Millenium Falcon.

The Onceler hunched over Jack and his thrusts became harder and faster until he whipped himself out of Jack and spewed his hot, sticky load across his back, then threw him onto the bed, bent over, and said “I order you to eat Daddy’s asshole, kitten.” and Jack obligingly began to lick and slurp around the Onceler’s sweet little rectum, teasing the outside and then finally plunging his tongue inside, and reaching up to jack him off as he did so. The Onceler’s moans echoed off the cell walls as he cried “Do it, kitten, do it,” and the Millenium Falcon moved closer still, an intrigued look upon Jordan’s face. 

The Onceler arched into Jack’s face as his cum splattered across the floor, and he whispered “You did brilliantly, kitten. Here’s your reward.” Then he spread his asshole wide, ready for Handsome Jack to penetrate it, and we truly knew how bad he could be. Jack shoved his length into the warm, sticky, inviting hole, and the Onceler screamed with pleasure, drool dripping off his tongue as he clawed at the floor and the table legs, pushing up into Jack, shouting “harder, harder!” as Jack sped up, smacking the Onceler’s ass and holding his head down to the floor so he could lick up his own cum. Jack scratched at the Onceler’s back as he came hard into his moist, tender asshole, and the Onceler sat up, cum dripping from his lips, and whispered “I want more, kitten.”

“Yes, Daddy.” said Jack, and a few minutes later he was cuffed to the bed, the Onceler’s tongue teasing the tip of his cock. “We’re gonna play a game, okay, kitten? I’m not gonna let you cum, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” said the Onceler. Jack moaned as the Onceler took him into his mouth once again, sending waves of pleasure coursing through his body, his face going red, his legs fire, his cock melting. “Please, Daddy, please let me cum,” he begged, but the onceler just laughed and began to jerk him off before straddling him, and beginning to grind, and he grabbed Jack’s nipples and twisted hard as Jack cried out in ecstasy, and Jack was pushing up into him now, straining against his bonds, but the Onceler simply put a finger to his lips and hopped off him, and then his fingers were pressing against his asshole, and now his whole fist, now his arm, sliding in and out in a slightly off-beat rhythm, and Jordan was really fucking jealous as Jack cried out, his dick purple and engorged, his face tomato-red, and the Onceler whispered into Jack’s ear “Cum for Daddy.” and Jack obliged, and came all over himself, tears streaming down his face from holding it in so long, and the Onceler bent down to lick it off his chest, and they were done, finally done.

They slept in each other’s arms until the cell arrived at the beehive. Jack whispered something into the Onceler’s ear that might’ve been the information needed, only the two of them knew for sure, and then the Onceler stepped out of the cell, and the two parted ways.

 

Jack was in the care of Warden Jordan now.

This would be fun.

 

The End


End file.
